The story below demonstrates God’s mercy, grace, love, patience, restoration and leading. I have decided to leave it in the originally email format that was written and intended for another brother in Christ. With much time and prayer, this testimony is being released to the public for the first time. Read it and be blessed. If you wish to contact this person, please leave a comment here or email me privately and I will pass it along. May the Lord use this testimony to reach and restore many men and women.
Dear brother,I have been thinking a lot about our week-end. It was awesome! Thanks again for all you guys did for us. It hit me on the way home that when a person gets saved with no christian background, they come to Christ with no idea of how to worship. So they just worship. They just love Jesus and have no agenda other than that. Praise God for what I seen this weekend it was really refreshing.For some reason I feel led to share more with you about my past. I’m not sure why because I hate talking about it.As I told you when I was 11 or 12 I felt called to ministry. I got baptized when I was 13. Although I was not born again. Shortly after that I touched some girls inappropriately that my mom baby sat for. That was when I was 13. Of course the law got involved and since I was so young it was juvenile court. I had to go through counseling and was on probation till I was 18. Life at home was hell. and I don’t say that lightly. My Mom knew about the girls for 2 years before the law found out and hid it from my dad. So I was actually 15 when the law got involved. This is how my dad found out. So they were always fighting and I felt that I was to blame for all this. I hated myself. One night I sat in my bedroom and held a knife to my throat looking in the mirror. For some reason I couldn’t thrust it through my throat though. I just wanted to die though. There were court hearings and different stuff that we had to go through and the only way that dad was allowed to go was because he was suppenied.(I bet I spelled that wrong:)). Otherwise Mom said no way. We didn’t need him there. Mom told me one day that she had lost the will to live because of all this. So now my sin had even caused my Mom to want to die. I should also mention that my older brother also molested me when I was younger. doing very terrible and shameful things to me. He has asked for forgiveness and there is no bad feelings between us today. Praise God for that. My dad stopped me one day when I was walking through our barn. He said that if he ends up going off the deep end and losing it ( I’m not sure what all he meant) that I was not to blame myself. it was not my fault.I think I was 17 when I got into porn. That controlled me for many, many years. I had my own trucking business and I would stop at porn shops any chance I got after I was 18 and could legally. When I was 24 I married Anna thinking that all this would be taken care of. I mean after all if you have a wife surely you wont need porn. WRONG!!!!!!!!!! I very nearly put us through a divorce. I hated church. I hated my dad. I hated my mom. I hated myself. The only thing I really loved was porn. So we moved to Colorado thinking we could get away from all our problems. Wrong again. The porn just got worse out there. There was a lady at the local bank out there that I became friends with. We would text a lot and sure enough it turned sexual. I didn’t commit physical adultery with her but she would send me naked pictures of herself. All this time I would occasionally have a devotional or preach at our small church.there was no fear of God. Actually I hated God. I would think about suicide a lot. I even planned how I could stand at the edge of a mine shaft and blow my brains out and fall in so anna wouldn’t find me. It’s still a mystery how God kept me from it. When I was out there I started listening to Paul Washer. I knew he was preaching truth and so I would try to do what he said and would parrot him a lot and thought I really had it together. There was still no fear of God even though I knew I needed it. Also at this time I started listening to our pastor from back in Indiana. He was saying that to be a christian you have to read your bible. He also said that if you read your bible enough you cant help but be a christian. That made sense. So I would read my bible a lot. Often I would read my bible 2 hours a day. It was when I read it the most that I would struggle the most with porn. This didnt make sense to me. I thought I had to be a christian. I read my bible all the time! Still no fear of God! In 2009 my dad got colon cancer. He went through some chemo and surgery and went into remission. 9 months later it came back so we decided to move back to be with them. We went back to the same church we had been at (where we are now) thinking that they had the answers we needed. After all the preaching was awesome. My dad died october 13 2011. The one thing I wanted to hear was I love you! I only remember that once from him when I was younger. My dad died but I didn’t lose a friend. I lead the congregational singing at his funeral. I was right beside him when he died. I didn’t even cry. What was wrong with me? It was months later that I finally shed a few tears thinking about him.ok. so through all this time I was still addicted to porn. It was totally destroying our marriage. Sometimes when I was really struggling I would write down my thoughts. So one night I went into my office and I got my .44 mag. pistol out and my Bible. I made a decision that by the time the night was over one of them would win. I hated the hypocrisy in my life and was gonna get rid of it one way or the other. Lets just say that looking down the barrel of a .44 mag. is very sobering. When I got done writing my thoughts down I realized that I had written a suicide note. That seemed to wake me up so I wrote at the end of my letter I guess the bible wins tonight. Still no fear of God just a fear of going to hell if I pulled the trigger. I could go on with lots of details and stories but I wont.Finally on the night of July 29, 2012 I went into my office and made a decision that I would not come out till God came to meet me. I was finally done running and was ready to surrender. I was prepared to go all night and all the next day if I had to. It took less than an hour before Gods presence came into that room and washed me whiter than snow. The spiritual warfare was unbelievable and God came through it all and saved me!!!!!!!! Praise God! I have not been perfect since then but I can say as S— says “when I sin it aint fun anymore”.On January 31 2013 God gave me this word. It was “B——–”. The only thing I knew about B——– is that is where the guy was from that preached the last sermon at the revival conference last fall. B——–? what does this mean? It was so real that I texted my wife and said “start praying about B———”. She text back wondering where that was:). I also text my sister and told her we were moving to B——–. She asked what was there? I said I don’t know but I’m gonna find out:). What I found was a group of people who just loved Jesus. People saved out of all kinds of sin. real people. I’m crying as I write this. I feel as if I left a huge part of me in B———. It was all I could do to keep from totally breaking down and crying when we left your house Monday night.What now? what do we do? I feel in some ways that I have so screwed up that I will never be used now in ministry. However i also know that with God anything is possible. I have been accused that if I move I would still be running. Is that true? I was telling my mom about the church and she didn’t ask one thing about your walk with Jesus. She did ask if the women have long hair though. That whole mentality is what I want out of. So is it right to leave or do we stay and fight it? The other thing is, how would we fit in there? What would we do? I don’t just wanna come to church and warm a pew up every sunday. Is there a place for us in B———? These are just some of my rambling thoughts:)I love you brother and thanks for the wonderful weekend.J—-PS now you know why I froze when you asked if I would give my testimony:)
Sickness is a Mercy
“It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes!” Psalm 119:71
Health is a blessing and a great mercy, enabling us to relish the comforts of life, and to be useful in our generation. But sickness is a greater mercy to the children of God, for it shall be sanctified to wean us more from the present world, to raise our thoughts and desires heavenward, to quicken us to prayer, and to give us more opportunity of knowing the sweetness and suitableness of the promises, and the power and wisdom of a promise-performing God!
Troubles have many uses–when the Lord is pleased to work by them for the good of His children. They are necessary, because we would miss the meaning and comfort of a great part of the Bible without them! I hope the Lord blesses you both with a measure of submission to His will, confidence in His love–and then, with respect to other things you will say, “All is well!”
“Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your Word!” Psalm 119:67
“I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are righteous, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.” Psalm 119:75
- John Newton
I thought I would also attach a link to Brian Long’s message from Wednesday night. Goes well with the said above. Brother Brian Long, Pastor of Barnsdall Cornerstone Church, 5.1.2013 message.
National Day of Prayer
Just because carnal men make a day and call it “A Day of Prayer”, it does not carry any weight with Almighty God. Prayer for America? Really? What, pray for bigger, better and more, prosperity galore? Today I feel much like Jeremiah in chapter 20 verse 9, a “burning fire shut up in my bones.”
Today national leaders will spout out meaningless heresies and blasphemies against a God they hate and to some god that does not even exist. If we want prayer, then where are the men and women who pray, seriously pray, in the early morning hours and late night hours crying out to be holy? Where are the prayers for the millions upon millions who are suffering for the namesake of Christ today? Where are the prayers today that cry out for us as individuals and as a nation to be made holy in God’s sight?
Pray for America? My prayers for America are simple: to have the millstone of God’s own hand pressed upon our very noses so that we would see sin for what it is and come to the true knowledge of the grace of God through Jesus Christ. I pray that the nation acknowledges her sin, casts out all the child and sex slavery, stops every lying, deceiving, self-indulging politian, stops the drug trade to which the government secretly makes billions, stops the extortion, corruptions, murders and conspiracies against her own people, stops the killing of millions upon millions of unborn. And even more so, I pray that the Lord Himself removes every false prophet, preacher, teacher, evangelist, priest who stands in pulpits across the nation, and even the world, who are masking themselves under the name of Christ and has done nothing than to deceive, rob and damn souls and hurt people because of their lying tongue and deceptive religion. All of the so-called “christian” media, whether it is TV, Radio or print, who begs for money and refuses to speak the whole council of God can be removed as well.
Pray for America, really? As the late Leonard Ravenhill has said, “We will either labor in prayer, or pray in labor camps.” Unfortunately, the later appears to be rapidly coming true.
“For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 1 Peter 4:17
“If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14
If you have not already, be sure to get a FREE download copy of, Realities of a True Christian. Be sure to read chapter Eight – Praying, Weeping & Loving. Get your FREE copy at: www.Time2Stand.com/books
Blessings in Christ.
The message below is wonderful. The Lord has been gracious and merciful to me to restore a new brokenness in my life. Be sure to watch the entire message. I wept through much of this. Praise be to God alone for what He is doing in my life and what He will do in yours.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17
Towards the end of the message, Kevin mentions a man by the name of Benji. Here is a link to Benji: http://www.swi.org/portfolio-item/benji/
Kevin Turner: http://www.swi.org/
We Must Give Time to Knowing God
Progress in the Christian life is exactly equal to the growing knowledge we gain of the triune God in personal experience. And such experience requires
a whole life devoted to it and plenty of time spent at the holy task of cultivating our knowledge of God. God can be known satisfactorily only as we devote time to Him.
A thousand distractions would woo us away from thoughts of God, but if we are wise, we will sternly put them from us and make room for the King and
take time to entertain Him. Some things may be neglected with little loss to the spiritual life. But to neglect communion with God is to hurt ourselves where
we cannot afford it. God will respond to our efforts to know Him. The Bible tells us how, but it is altogether a matter of how much determination we bring to
the holy task.
- A. W. Tozer